Change

Things are changing here. Leaves are (finally) starting to fall, cool weather is moving in. New opportunities are opening up, bringing possibility and fear. I have a lot to talk about...but not today. Today I am enjoying the day....delicious pancakes with Mike and Bo this morning (Dude took Lyd to the dentist), a cup of hot tea while catching up on blogs, a trip to the grocery for a chicken to make stew...no plans, just life.

I'll be back soon to share more.

Enjoy a peaceful weekend.

--Sadge

Pumpkin Progress - 100 days of Gardening

Here is a slide show of our little pumpkin patch. Dude and Boddhi started these as seedlings, cared for them, transplanted them and are watching them carefully, hoping to end up with healthy pie pumpkins for Thanksgiving (or maybe Christmas). It takes 100 days (which is a long time to a little boy). We have three pumpkin vines (only one fruit so far).

It has been interesting to watch the progress from seeds to leaves to flowers (I have never seen a pumpkin in progress before, but they make the most beautiful orange flowers!) to watermelon-type roundness. Boddhi and Daddy have been perfecting our compost and nourishing these tiny plants. We now have a healthy family of worms assisting our compost production, and we are looking forward to planting a full spring garden.

--Sadge

If you are not reading her blog...

you are missing out.

Visit 37 days today, and read Patti's Mindful Monday post about letting go of your brain.

Reading her blog helps me to slow down; there is always something to help me become the peaceful, mindful person I want to be.

...and I really needed the help this week :)

I'll be back soon with some pictures of our baby pumpkins (our first attempt at gardening in our new home!).

--Sadge

First Dance

Mike is a freshman this year, and Lyd is a junior. The first high school dance of the year was a few weeks ago (casual black and white theme). This was Mike's first dance (EVER!), so it was exciting and a little difficult for me.

Dude and I took turns chaperoning the dance. He took the first shift, so he got to see Mike dragged onto the floor (kicking and screaming) by a senior (fellow soccer player). She protested and pulled, but he held her in place long enough to "dance" to the song. The rest of the night the freshman girls (+ Lyd) huddled together in a large circle (with a few freshman boys sprinkled in); there was not a whole lot of dancing, but it was cute. Most of the upperclassman chose to attend the Baylor game instead of the dance, but Lyd is not allowed to go out without her parents right now, so the dance was her only option.

They both had a great time, and I was a little sentimental. I am enjoying Mike's innocence and her openness, her straightforward refusal of upperclassman advances ("I would rather be friends"); I know this won't last forever, but I am glad I am here to see it. She is growing up so quickly, and I find myself wanting to hang on tight; I want to save her from pain, from mistakes I made; I want to guide her, but I know what I need to do is let go a little more. I am trying.

I hear myself sometimes, lecturing on and on about grades or using time wisely, and I know I should just shut up, but sometimes I just keep talking :(

She is a good girl, and she is going to be okay -- even if she has to fall down a few times.

Lyd's grades are good; she is still making some poor choices, but I am not going to get into that here. We are learning how to set good boundaries, follow through and let her suffer her own consequences. We are doing everything we can to help her succeed, and we know she has the potential.

Our hope and positive intentions for both our girls are that they find happiness, that they limit the self-inflicted suffering that comes from making poor choices or their own lack of awareness. My goal for me is to be able to enjoy them while they are here (with more fun and less lectures).

Here are a few pictures I took with my point & shoot (other camera is not charged and not working right).

above: the girls are getting ready (Lyd is on the left with the powder & Mike is wearing the black shirt)

above: posing a little too much :)
Mike (freshman) on the left, Lyd (junior) on the right -- warning: don't comment about the height difference; it causes Lyd to fume ("it isn't fair; I should be taller than her; I hope she STOPS GROWING NOW!"

above: posing with dad (this is his I am too cool to smile face).

above: another too cool to smile face

I love these guys (even when they seem to be screwing things up!).

Have a great week.

--Sadge

Imagine

Remember this post from almost a year ago?

I have been thinking about my three things (from the above post) a lot lately. I realized a while ago that I am not 100% on board with what I am doing. We made a hasty decision this summer, a decision to postpone my graduation so that I could continue to take classes and receive financial aid. This decision was made so that I could be home with Boddhi and help my family with the transition to a new city and new schools.

We found out that Dude's aid package was not going to be as much as we thought (not enough to support all of us), and we were in the middle of getting ready to move, so it seemed like the only option at the time.

I have been forcing myself into compliance ever since.

The (not so loved) plan was to stay home this year, continue with school and search for a job at a school library for the next school year.

When I start thinking about working fulltime outside the home next year, I feel yucky. I think about Boddhi starting school (which will be good for him), having to go to after-care (which will not be so good for him), me trying to run my household and a library...and I don't like the idea. It does not feel right.

I also do not like the idea of continuing a degree that I have been done with since August; I have completed my practicum, all my coursework, and I am ready to close the book on this degree.

This week, I began to explore other options...options like working from home. I wondered about virtual reference work, writing for a local magazine, editing for publishers (among other things). I made some inquiries (dozens) today, and I am waiting to hear back about some opportunities. I have a meeting with the editor of a local magazine next week to talk about opportunities with them. I sent out some of my book reviews, and I am hoping something good will come of this.

The truth about what I want: I want to be at home with my son...indefinitely. Even if he does go to preschool from 8-noon. And this is the secret part: I SO BADLY WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY...soon (I am nearly 35!). I have had baby fever for nearly a month now, but I keep telling myself no...it is impossible. You have to get a job. Who would care for the baby?

Then I realized that there are many things I can control, and that I have not even tried looking at all my options. I told myself no before I even tried looking into things.

I love being at home with Boddhi, and I am getting really good at it. We have been regulars at storytime this year (have not missed one yet!), and I am feeling like myself again (I truly think I was suffering from post-partum depression because I can feel myself coming out of it). I find myself looking longingly at the tiny babies clutched in their mother's arms; I feel ready to do it again (not today...but when I know more about my opportunities perhaps -- or when one of the girls leaves for college??).

I also want a creative outlet. I sit down to start a book review, and then I realize I should be doing my homework, so I leave it unfinished. I am ready to devote some time to creative work.

So I am putting this out there again...

What I want:

A creative job that will allow us to cover our bills, pay for insurance, and allow me to be at home with Boddhi and Padma (possible name for future baby girl that has not yet been conceived).

I know everyone is busy with their own lives, but if you get a moment would you please turn your thoughts intentions, prayers, light, love toward this request. I would appreciate it.

Peace to all.

--Sadge

Autumn Begins

this picture was taken last fall

ETA: no pictures of the beautiful soup and apple cake because my camera was misplaced (not mentioning names) by someone, and I did not find it until late that evening.

The renewed energy, the collective sigh at the absence of heat, the warm colors, the cool mornings put me in the mood to cook.

Mondays have become mom & Boddhi days; the girls leave before 8AM and do not return until after 6PM; Dude leaves early and returns around 7PM, so Boddhi and I have the entire day to ourselves.

I have not taken advantage of this because I usually try to catch up on my homework on Mondays (which means videos or PBS for Boddhi in the morning). But I have tried to clean up the house and cook a meal before the rest of the family gets home.

I tried a wonderful breakfast casserole last week; I served it with a spinach salad and organic grapes, and the kids LOVED it (except Boddhi). I used sprouted grain bread which gave the casserole a yummy flavor. I also used sausage that we purchased at Homestead Heritage. We have purchased beef and cheese from them in the past, but we are switching to Burgundy beef because they offer 100% grass fed (instead of a mixture of corn and grass), and their prices are very reasonable. Anyway the casserole was a big hit, but I want to try something warm and yummy for today.

I searched Wesley's blog for Soup Sunday recipes, and I found her Tortellini Soup. Boddhi and I are going to try to cook this tonight. I am also going to bake a modified version of my mom's apple cake (adding whole wheat, whole grain flours and maple syrup to replace the refined sugar). I bought some huge organic, honey-crisp apples at the store, and I am going to use those for the cake.

I will let you know how it all turns out, and maybe I will even have pictures if I remember to charge the battery on my camera. [I have not even downloaded pictures from Mike's first high school dance yet].

What warm & toasty recipes are you trying lately?

Happy autumn to all.

--Sadge

International Day of Peace

Today is the International Day of Peace.

Here is what 65,000 Montessori students are doing: http://singpeacearoundtheworld.blogspot.com/
Take a moment or two to watch the video, and then follow the links to the videos of children singing peace around the world (Taiwan, South Africa, Germany, Indonesia...and still more coming in). It will be worth the few moments you take to listen.

Will you light a candle for peace today? What will you do to bring peace to your own life?

Sing peace around the world...

My peace prayer:

May our lives be free of suffering and the root of suffering. May we enjoy peace and happiness in our lives. My prayer for today is that we have peace in our hearts, our minds, our bodies, our actions and words. May we have peace and give peace in everything we do today.

--Sadge

Trying Something New

We held the first of our soon to be weekly family meetings today. Each week we plan to focus on a value or issue that we feel is important to our family, trying to create and reinforce our family values; there are many voices and many pressures in high school, and we want our family voice and culture to be the one our kids count on.

Today we focused on honesty. We talked about all the ways of being dishonest: avoidance, omission, commission, exaggeration, understatement, sarcasm, white lies, big lies, motivation for lies. We shared how it feels to lie and how it feels to tell the truth. We told a fable. We discussed the benefits of honesty -- the ultimate benefit of happiness. Dishonesty keeps you from living in the moment and truth allows you to live in reality, live each moment, be fully present in your life.

Each of us vowed to keep an awareness journal starting with recording observations about honesty, when we tend to be dishonest and why, when we might choose to tell the truth.

Next week we will talk about honesty again (cause it is a big one in our family)-- share some of our journals etc.

One of our children desperately needs this teaching. I guess we hope if we hit her from all sides (modeling, explicit teaching, boundaries, being involved, providing opportunities and consequences...) that some good stuff has to sink in. [PLEASE let it sink in!]

It's rough, and I am not going to get into it too much here (that would not be fair to her).

I am doing everything I know how to do and grabbing ideas from all sources to help. It can't hurt, and I know the meetings will be helpful to me (if no one else).

This week has been long, and I have not taken the time to email, return phone calls, etc.; Tomorrow I should have some time to myself (w/just boddhi), so I hope to get back in touch with the world then.

Peace and happiness to all.

--Sadge

Cages, Escape and Envy

There are many thoughts I want to share...all at the same time, so instead of dividing this up into 2 or 3 posts, I am just going to dump it all here; i will try to keep it coherent and connected (when possible).

I am trying to entertain my son while typing this (I have already gotten up 3 times to re-direct him); he is going through a clingy, seeking attention in negative ways, annoying his mother phase, and I am going through a don't touch me, play by yourself, leave me alone phase (I am sure they are not connected).

Yesterday I logged on to search for a place to buy cage-free organic chicken breasts (besides the local grocery who only carries organic, overpriced but not cage-free). I was hoping to find a local farm/ranch who sells directly to the public. I did find one (about an hour from here), but I also found something else, something I didn't search for and did not know I needed.

I found the Cage Free Family (I searched under cage free + ourtown, texas and they were the 5th hit on google). Some of you may already know about them, but they are new to me. This is their blog tag line: "One little family gives everything to learn the true difference between *want and *need and run free in pursuit of their dreams."

It got my attention. Further reading lead me to the NY Times article about the family.

AUSTIN, Tex. — Like many other young couples, Aimee and Jeff Harris spent the first years of their marriage eagerly accumulating stuff: cars, furniture, clothes, appliances and, after a son and a daughter came along, toys, toys, toys.Now they are trying to get rid of it all, down to their fancy wedding bands. Chasing a utopian vision of a self-sustaining life on the land as partisans of a movement some call voluntary simplicity, they are donating virtually all their possessions to charity and hitting the road at the end of May.

My curiosity brought me to the blog archives, and I began to read about their journey.

As I read about their trip over Independence Pass, I was filled with an intense longing, a wanderlust that left me feeling unsatisfied and irritable about my own life (sagitarrius=me=LOVE travel=always restless). I began to run through scenarios, figures, possibilities in my own head, simultaneously tying to talk myself out of and into a life like theirs.

I won't lie to you; I spent most of my day feeling dissatisfied, irritable and a little depressed. I tried to sort through my emotions, deciding whether or not the bad feelings were about envy, dissatisfaction with my own life, mood swing or something else.

I sat in the yard by myself for a while, then later took a long bath. I sat in the tub with a eucalyptus soaked rag across my face, breathing in and trying to come to terms with my feelings.

I spent the whole day fantasizing about how life could be, in an RV, traveling, home-schooling, seeing the sun rise in different places in the morning, being with my family all day.

For me that is a fantasy; when I ask myself if that is what I want, the answer is no. I don't want to be in an RV with two teenagers and a toddler; I do not want to abandon the life we started here and move somewhere to live off the land (yet). We have some good things beginning here, and I want to stick it out.

I respect and value what CFF is doing, and yes part of me is envious. But when I really consider what strikes me about their story, it is the courage, joy and purposeful groundlessness that calls to me, makes me their student.

The way that they live so close to the edge (if that is the right word), coaxing their highest selves out into the light, examining their choices, their needs, their reactions, eliminating the distractions that get between us (self and self). Awareness, mindfulness about need and want; a life pared down to the essentials, minus most distractions, testing the self, its strength and agility daily. I like the idea of pulling the rug out from under yourself, questioning your choices, motivations, revisiting dreams.

I allow so many what-ifs, worries, distractions, irritations (and I would anywhere). They did not leave their problems behind however; if you read the blog long enough, you will see the immense struggle, pain and hardship that travels with them.

But there is lightness, child-like enjoyment, presence in the moment that comes through on their blog. All things I am trying to be mindful of in my own life (with varying success). How ironic that this blog about being mindful and present became a distraction, a way to escape from my reality.

I am moving past distraction though, into absorption and application. I don't want their life, but I do want joy, freedom, simplicity, to be present in every moment.

In the book I am currently re-reading, The Wisdom of No Escape, Pema Chodron reminds us that we are always in the sacred circle: "Wherever you go for the rest of your life, you're always in the middle of the universe and the circle is always around you. Everyone who walks up to you has entered that sacred space, and it's not an accident. Whatever comes into the space is there to teach you" (28).

She also says: "...I've begun to see the sacredness of everybody's wisdom and the fact that people discover the same truths through many avenues" (29).

So it takes me a little longer maybe, so I have to sit with envy and irritability and unrest for a few days, I get there eventually. I can see more of the wisdom in their words and less of the excitement and envy about their chosen avenue.

There is no better place to be present in the moment, no sunrise that will
illuminate or enlighten more than the one right here. It's me; it has always been me, will always be me.

My life, my thoughts, my emotions.

The wisdom of no escape...no escape.

--Sadge

Wordless Wednesday

Credit for this photo goes to one of my girls (not sure which one).
I found this picture on my camera after they used it; I like the angle and the strange light.

More Wordless Wednesday here, here and here.

--Sadge

Simplifying Birthdays

Things are starting off much better this week, so I have a few minutes to blog. I wanted to share a new tradition that we started for birthdays.

We got the idea from Mike's Montessori classroom; we attended the celebration for her 11th and 12th birthday, and I loved the ceremony.

Why I like it:

1- it is simple
2- it gives opportunity for reflection
3- it involves memories, tradition and celebration

Our plan was to start this new routine for Boddhi because he is young and has no expectations for birthdays; we figured the girls were too old and too accustomed to other things. Lyd overheard us talking about it and decided she wanted this celebration for her 16th birthday (actually she wants both; she thinks she is going to have a party later on with friends from school; we have not decided about this).

There is some information on the Internet about Montessori birthdays, and we modified it some to fit our purposes, but here is what we did (and will do for Boddhi). This ceremony was for family only, and it really is intended for younger kids, but our 16-year-old loved the attention.

There are birthday rings you can buy here and here. We did not have the extra $$, so we made do with what we had on hand.

What you will need:

• the sun - I created a sun out of construction paper and poster board (about the size of the bottom of a coffee can).
• the earth - we have a small blow up ball that looks like the earth so we used this; if you have a globe, that will work, or you could make one out of construction paper.
  
• candles, large and small - I had a bunch of tea lights and larger candles on hand, so I used those.
• pictures from every year of your child's life
• memories from those years
  

I placed the sun in the middle of our living room floor and then put a large candle in the middle of it. I placed 16 tea lights around the sun;

The family gathered, sitting in a circle around the candles and sun. The birthday child holds the earth.

We began the ceremony with these words: "16 years ago a light came down to earth and her name was Lyd." -- spoken as you light the sun. You can add things about what was going on during that time period etc.

Then we went through every year of her life, one by one. Lyd had to get up at the beginning of each "year", holding the earth and walk around the circle and come back to her seat (symbolizing the rotation of a year). She did this for every year she is old (16 times). So we said (as Lyd walked around us): "365 days passed and then Lyd turned 1 (lighting the first tea-light); this is a picture of what Lyd looked like at 1. I remember _____ about that year (insert memories here)..." You can share things like: "when you were one you learned to walk; your favorite stuffed animal was a teddy bear; you loved to wear your Barney slippers etc. We try to vary the beginning: saying 12 months passed, then say 52 weeks, next 365 days, then 8760 hours, then 525,600 minutes, and 31,536,000 seconds.

You go through every year with the child rotating around the circle at the beginning (during "then 12 months passed and Lyd turned...") and then returning to their seat. Light a tea-light for each year during the rotation. When you get to the age where the child has his or her own memories, allow them to share.

At the end of the ceremony, each family member shared their wishes for Lyd's year, and then Lyd made her wish for herself and blew all the candles out (except the sun).

We ate a HUGE 4-layer cake that I baked afterward, but I am considering a different idea for birthday food for Boddhi. Thinking about birthdays, it seems like we always indulge our children in unhealthy things (too many toys, too much sugar etc.), and I want a way to celebrate and have special food without the overindulgence lesson.

We gave Lyd a card and a small gift (her real gift is driver's ed). It was a calm and meaningful ceremony, designed to celebrate the past and look forward to the coming year.

Here is one of the pictures we used for the celebration (from Lyd's 10th year).


I can't wait to continue this tradition with Boddhi.

--Sadge

Pity Party

I started a few posts and never finished them. I wanted to tell you about what we are doing to simplify birthdays, and I have 4 book reviews started on my other blog. But I can't seem to find any words this week, so they all remain unfinished.

We are trying to get on top of all the crap that comes with the first week of school. The girls had their first volleyball game this week (both varsity), and Mike has her first soccer game on Friday. Open house is tonight, and Dude is in class until late, so I have to try to run through two teen's schedules at the same time (while occupying the toddler). I am NOT looking forward to it. I also need to confront a parent, explain some things to a few teachers, and I DON'T WANT TO. I really want my mom to come and rescue me from all this :(

Tomorrow I am leaving at 9AM to drive Mike two hours to her orthodontist appointment (loose bracket) and then meeting the soccer team an hour further north from there so Mike can play in the game. Dude has class, so it will just be me, the toddler and Mike. We will not get home until well after dark. No date night tomorrow night, and I have been looking forward to it all week.

We are dealing with a great deal of drama from Lyd (16), and I won't go into the details, but teenagers suck sometimes.

I am helping out with a parent breakfast at school, knowing I need to be involved, be seen, be sociable, so that my kids will know I care, so that I can be a spy (you find out a lot about your own kids from what other parents say). But I hate being involved; I would much rather hide out in my house with the toddler.

So...there it is. All the stuff I am feeling sorry for myself about. Now I am going to put on my big girl pants and get it done.

--Sadge

First Day

I had plans. For a good first day. Mike began high school this morning (Lyd began her junior year). I wanted them to have breakfast, get there early, have time to adjust, hug and kiss her before sending her off to HIGH SCHOOL.

We made it messy in the way that we do.

1. Summer project. She was up well past midnight trying to finish the 3rd and 4th book she was to read this summer and complete journals on each (she did not finish).

2. She was up at 6AM, showering, straightening her hair etc. but not ready to leave on time (how is this possible?).

3. Besides wanting to light a fire under my freshman, I want to slip the junior a Valium. The over-eager junior has been packed for days of course, SLEPT in her school clothes, packed everything she might ever want or need in a huge American Eagle shopping bag, backpack and purse (oh did I mention that she managed to let it slip that Mike was not done with her summer reading when she was talking to their English teacher: "ooops. I did not mean to tell her.").

4. I wanted to drop them off early to give them time to get their loads of books and things to their lockers. Mike apparently was not aware of this. As per usual she carried her shoes to the car. She had not packed pencils or paper; she tried to stuff everything inside her back pack unsuccessfully, so she had to carry some books. My suggestion that she pack her athletics bag full of stuff was so uncool. She printed out her journal and carried it to school in her hand, no staples, no folder...NOTHING just a wad of printed paper to turn in to her teacher.

5. Mike wore a silly tie-dyed t-shirt that the girls made this summer: "none of my new shirts fit right, mom." Lyd is sporting the new lumber jack style shirt she bought. What happened to the days when I could pick out their clothes?

6. There was some yelling: "Do not be that kid who has to ask to borrow a pencil on the first day of school!"

"Don't be that mom who yells on the first day of school."

Can I get a re-do?

--Sadge

Wordless Wednesday w/ a few words

(sorry about the quality here; i don't know what happened to it when I uploaded it to blogger, but it looked much better before)

So I am almost too late with Wordless Wednesday, but I am going to post anyway. We have been researching family history, and we found some of our family from way way back buried in a nearby Central Texas graveyard, a great-great-great grandmother who shares Lyd's name.

In this picture Lyd is reading the headstone, and Boddhi is resting on the other side. I do not normally let my children walk on people's graves, and I hope no one is offended by this picture. I find it comforting, and I would like to think that my great-great-great grandchildren might find me someday. I like to think that the eldest Lydia wants to offer shade and rest to her (great x3) grandchildren on a hot summer's day.

--Sadge

Wordless Wednesday

More Wordless Wednesday here, here and here.

--Sadge